


How Do I Breathe Without You?

by PStarkRogers



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-28 10:36:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/673441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PStarkRogers/pseuds/PStarkRogers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The afterlife here is much different from the afterlife in the game. Here, it's just a new life, a second chance. Death is not really permanent; it is simply a stepping stone and resting place as your proceed to your new life and your new destiny." </p><p>Losing your closest friend and boyfriend is never easy, and for someone who has always straddled the suicidal edge, it's even harder. But when the Maid of Death herself offers one Dave Strider a second chance at the life he's always dreamed of, well, fuck, who is he to turn her down? </p><p>Even if it means dying himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Do I Breathe Without You?

**Author's Note:**

> _"The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break." -Chinese Proverb_  
>  I'm sorry. That's really all there is to say on the matter. I'm really really really sorry. Here, have some tissues. You'll need them. *hands out kleenex packages*

 It was the saddest day of the year.

Hell, for him, it was the saddest day of his life. No, that wasn't right to say. It was more like...the worst. It was even worse than his bro's death, and it was even worse than having to watch himself die, over and over. This...There was nothing, nothing at all, that felt worse than this.

Today was John Egbert's funeral.

Dave Strider was sitting in the front row of the small chapel, squished between Rose and Jade, one of Rose's hands on his knee, and Jade's hands gripping one of his, squeezing it so tight his entire lower arm was turning white. But these were small things, things he barely noticed. They registered just as much as the fact that Jade was shaking and crying, clearly fighting to hold back the tears. Or that on his other side Rose was crying, the tears flowing like the fuckin Mississippi river, but she was still as stone.

Which was to say, he didn't notice any of this.

The only thing he was aware of was the beautiful gray urn at the front of the room, and two bright pictures on either side of it.

The urn was the precious artifact that now contained John Egbert's remaining ashes. After he had been cremated, John's father had divided them into three urns, and he gave one to Rose and one to Dave. He had explained that John had regarded them both very dearly, and that he felt it was only right for his son's best friend and his boyfriend to have a little piece of him to keep. He had also told them that he understood if they didn't want to accept. But they had, and Dave was glad that he had, now that he thought about it. It meant he would have a piece of John to keep with him, a final piece that would never ever leave.

He needed that now.

He closed his crimson eyes behind his Stiller shades and pushed back on the tears, pushing them into the deepest corner of his soul, somewhere so far out of fuckin reach that even sunlight couldn't reach those mother-fuckers. He gave up on listening to the preacher who was talking, and he was only barely paying attention when Dad Egbert took over, sniffling and occasionally sobbing through his touching memories of his little bright-eyed, buck-toothed boy. He just let himself float (ha, god, if only Rose could hear his psycho-babble) on the waves of sound, feeling them but not understanding. He floated like this for sometime until a very soft and familiar voice started singing the one song that Dave could never get enough of.

_"How do I, get through one night without you?"_

The voice was like lightning striking him straight in the heart, and it hurt just as much. His eyes snapped open and he just stared at Rose, and as he did his ears finally caught up to his brain and he noticed the violin, and his ears finally heard the melody she was playing.

_"If I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be?"_

Oh god, oh god, no, fuck no, he could not do this fucking bullshit, not here, not now oh god.

_"Oh, I...I need you in my arms, need you to hold. You're my world, my heart, my soul. If you ever leave..."_

No. No, he couldn't do this. He could not fucking do this. Of all the songs in all the world, of all the things to sing...

"... _Baby you would take away everything good in my life. And tell me now..."_

Teeth sank into bottom lip as he tried to keep the tears back, and he tasted the bitter tang of blood as he pushed down harder, harder, on the lip and the tears, fighting to hold them back even as he felt his self-made dam cracking. Fuck, he could almost see the imaginary dam and it's metaphorical line now, the crack branching out from the cracks he already had (Bro, Cal, Sollux, Terrezi,) and oh my fucking god, that dam was coming down and somebody had better yell timber because holy shit here comes the flood.

_"How do I live without you? I want to know, how do I breathe without you? If you ever go, how do I ever, ever survive? How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?"_

As Rose's violin and voice rang into the soft chorus and soared and dove with the words, Dave took in one last deep breath to try and contain himself but as he did it hitched halfway in and then he felt his spine tense and his arms and legs shake and all of a sudden it was wet, so wet and holy fuck did someone trigger the sprinklers on the ceiling? Because he was pretty sure it was mother-fuckin rainin up in here.

"Dave..." that voice was Jade's, a little hoarse but warm with caring and understanding.

And that was the final tiny poke that broke the dam.

The tears flooded down his face with new-found intensity and as his entire body started shaking like a branch in the middle of a level-five hurricane, he felt himself finally letting go of all the feelings he had bottled up from the very beginning, from the very start of all of this insane crazy bullshit.

" _Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky, there would be no love in my life, there'd be no world left for me."_

He cried for Bro, who had always taken care of him and had he ever shown or said how grateful he was? Fuck he couldn't remember. And then Bro had died, defending him, once again fucking saving his life. Bro hadn't deserved to die, but he had, and that wasn't fair.

He cried for Lil Cal, who had been Bro's best friend, his life-partner and practically Dave's mother. He cried because in the end he didn't know if Cal had made it out alive, and even worse, he didn't know if he cared or not anymore.

_"And I, baby I don't know what I would do..."_

He cried for Sollux, who had become a good friend through their mutual interest in Aradia's well-being and then hadn't made it out alive, in the end. He'd given his life to take a killing blow for Aradia.

He cried for Terezi, who had been a girl after his own heart, and been one of his best friends. She had gotten in deep, deeper than almost anyone else and she had taught him so much. Fuck, she had taught him how to _live_ , and she had been fucking _blind._ She too had died in the final battle and, as fuckin life would fuckin have it, she had died for him, died defending him from getting stabbed in the back like a dumbass.

_"I'd be lost if I lost you, if you ever leave, baby you would take away everything real in my life..."_

Most of all though, he cried for John. For John, who had been their leader and gotten them all out of the game alive, even at the risk of his own life. They had made it out alive, _all of the humans,_ and then John had died in a totally out-of-the-blue-never-saw-it-coming accident. It had been an act of god, they said. No. Dave didn't believe that. Because there was no god, in any world, that would kill John Egbert, the purest soul to ever walk the earth.

So that meant there was no god.

As the tears kept pouring he realized that there was a hand on his back, and that someone was murmuring into his ear, murmuring something soft and rhythmic, but he couldn't understand it over the screaming and _who the fuck was screaming like that?!_

And then all of sudden, everything stopped. No, not stopped; it had just changed to crawling along one millisecond at a time. As he sniffled and shook he realized that the only thing left was the whisper in his ear and the screaming, which, holy fuck dude, was coming from _him._ Dave's breathing finally hitched and as he quieted down he finally realized what he was hearing in his ear.

"Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock." It was soft, but even as soft as it was, it vibrated through him, calling to the part of that had never really gone away after Sburb.

Crimson eyes met orange and as he stared into those fiery depths, Dave felt something deep in him start ticking, ticking in a way that it hadn't since John's death a month ago.

"Dave."

"Aradia. I thought-"

"I came for you. It wasn't so hard to do."

"I...Why?" It seemed inconsiderate, but it wasn't. At least, it wasn't meant to be.

"Because I felt your clock stop ticking. I couldn't hear you ticking anymore." She settled down next to him, smoothing her skirt over her long, tan, legs. "I am so sorry for your loss."

"I..." He sniffled and pulled off his shades, using his suit sleeve to rub his eyes viciously. "Thanks." He swallowed a few times, fighting back the tears that were still threatening to fall. "Am I dead?"

She smiled, but it was sad. "No Dave, you're not." She looked down, then looked over at John's urn and pictures. "But you will be."

He watched her orange wings flutter slightly, and for just a moment he had to marvel at the fact that he had never really noticed that when her wings moved, they looked just like fire in motion. "Huh, so Dave Fuckin Strider, your resident badass cool kid, finally kicks the metaphorical-bullshit bucket, huh?" He laughed and he felt it hitch in his throat and it turned into a hiccuping sob halfway through. After a few moments he got his breathing even enough to mutter his single greatest fear about dying: "Will it hurt?"

She looked up at the ceiling and if he hadn't known her better, he would have said she was just fascinated by the shapes. But he knew she was thinking, and stalling. "No. It won't. In the end, you won't feel a thing." Her voice was so soft that he almost missed the subtle undertone that was underneath that tone of concern.

"Can you come with me? I mean at least...kind of?" Now he looked down, but even as he did, he reached out with his free hand and gently squeezed hers.

She smiled at him sideways and the way her eyes twinkled said it all. "Of course I can Dave. I'll come with you and stay with you for as long as I am able. I promise you." She squeezed the hand back and those crimson eyes flashed up and even though he was sad, he smiled.

"Thanks." There was a moment of silence and Dave knew he ought to say something, that he should probably ask some more questions like _'how did you even get here?'_ and _'how will I die?'_. But he knew she wouldn't answer anything he could ask, so he just sat there and let her timey-wimey magic by him a little more time to compose himself. "You're sad about this. Why?"

She was silent and still for so long that Dave was certain that she hadn't heard him, or was choosing not to answer. But then she opened her mouth and the answer was far from anything he was expecting:

"Because I pity you."

As Dave attempted to pick his jaw off the floor, she went on, "Because we were made for each other, you and I. The Maid and the Knight...But more, beyond even that." She finally looked at him straight, and he saw the truth and light in her eyes. "I love you, Dave Strider, and you are my Matespirit."

Dave looked down, he thought about all the things they had ever said to each other, and he thought about John and how he would feel about this. And he thought about his own mortality.

"Didn't you tell me once that we had nothing to fear, because we had all the time in the world?"

The grin that broke out on her face could have lit an entire football field. "Yes! And even now, outside of the game, I have found that to still be true. You and I, we can do whatever we want, because we possess all of the time we need and then some."

"So if I die, can we still matespirits? I mean...." He sighed and stood up, freeing his hand from Jade's. He walked over to the urn at the front of the room and gently brushed a finger over it.

"If I die, can I see him again?"

He couldn't see her, but he was pretty sure there was a smile in her voice when she said, "Yes. The afterlife here is much different from the afterlife in the game. Here, it's just a new life, a second chance. Death is not really permanent; it is simply a stepping stone and resting place as your proceed to your new life and your new destiny." There was a flutter behind him and the soft sound of fabric moving, and then he felt her hand (so warm, so gentle) squeezing his shoulder. "You two are tied together."

“We are?” He sniffed softly, and sighed, suddenly feeling hollow and empty without John Egbert there to tug him along. “Do you think this is how ruins feel, after they get abandon by their people? All hollow and void of life?”

“Perhaps. Who knows? But Dave...” She went quiet and her hand left his shoulder. He waited a moment before turning around and watching her, watching her as she fidgeted in place. “The choice will have to be yours, in the end.”

One eyebrow arched, and had to hold back a retort that she wouldn’t have understood. “You think that I’d want to continue to live, even when both you and Egbert are gone?” He snorted and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Fuck, I could manage, kind of, losing one of you, but losing both of you? Man that was a fuckin slap in the goddamn face. Within days, I had lost both of you. What kind of horrible sin have I fuckin committed that earned me this kind of hell life _after_ all the bullshit I’ve seen? Huh?” He shook his head and his hair flapped into his face. “Screw that bullshit. This was suppose to be the world we _earned_ after all the crap we did and all the hell we faced. But it’s not. It’s a fuckin lie. It separated us from you guys and it killed John. John mother-fucking Egbert, who never fuckin did a single thing wrong ever. Tell me, how is that fair? How?! How...” The last how came out as a strangled sob and crimson eyes fell to the floor as the tears started to flow downward once-more.

“It’s not fucking fair. It’s just not. John...” He took in a heaving breath and let it out in a rush, the last bit turning into a hiccup. “John never did anything wrong. _Anything._ He was a good person; fuck, he was a _great person._ He was the kindest, sweetest, stupidest...” The words faded as the sobs became more pronounced and a scream pushed it’s way up from somewhere deep inside him.

“Dave...” Soft as summer rain, her voice soothed him, but the feeling deep inside of him continued to grow.

“I....I can’t. I can’t do this without him, without you. I....” He laughed, but it was dry and empty, sounding much like he imagined Death Valley would. “I’m too fucking co-dependent and needy, and I--”

“Dave.”

The words stuttered to a stop and as his breathing hitched and his sobs quieted he realized that she had somehow managed to steer him back over to his seat.

“Dave, sit. Just, sit. Breathe. Yes, breathe. Look at me.” She waited until she had his attention and then smiled at him. It was sad and her eyes held sorrow that was as deep as the ocean. “Good. Now, Dave, look at me. I have to go. But I want you to remember something before you make your final decision: You are the Knight of Time. It is your job, your very essence, to stand and defend your friends and comrades from losing themselves to things that they think are beyond their control. But you must also remember that as the Knight you have always taken on more burdens than you had too. You did well Dave, and you have proven your worth. But you should remember that not everyone is done, and that if you leave this life you may be leaving those who still need a Knight, at least, for a little bit longer.”

“I know that you have suffered Dave, and I know how much you miss me, and him.” Her fingers gently brushed his cheek, wiping away a straggling tear. “I miss you just as much, trust me. But I want you to understand that if you choose to die, it is permanent. There is no god tier, or extra lives. Only the single next life. That’s it. So please...” Her wings suddenly sprung to life, humming with the vibration. “Please don’t make a hasty decision. Okay? Promise me.”

She floated just above the ground, her wings eager to be off. When Dave did not respond right away, she looked at him with her best stern expression. “Dave...Promise.”

He looked down, then back up and smiled at her. “Fine. I promise.” He gently took her hand from his cheek and kissed it, lingering over it. “My lady.”

She giggled lightly and slipped her hand from his grasp, her wings letting off a very slight glimmer of dust. “Don’t worry.” She floated up a little way and looked back down at him and Dave had the impression that he was looking up at a fucking angel, if angels were fairies with ram horns. He was so entranced with her beauty that he almost missed what she said next.

“You’ll never be alone. I am with you all the time and John is in every breath you take and every breeze you feel. You are never alone.”

Suddenly time resumed, and it was as if no time had passed at all. He would have been convinced that he had halliculitated the whole thing, except that in the back of his mind he could still hear her last words.

“ _No matter where you are, I am always with you. I am in every ticking of the clock, every beating of your heart. John is the very breath you take. But there are also people all around you who still love you, people who still need you. Rose, Jade, Dirk... But the decision, is yours.”_

He blinked and looked up, meeting Rose’s eyes over her violin. She nodded at him, and the look in those lavender eyes was something akin to humor, with just a touch of sadness. She resumed playing and, once her eyes were closed, Dave squirmed in his seat. Fuck man, that broad always looked like she could see through people.

Suddenly a hand touched his arm and Dave’s eyes flew up, meeting Harley’s confused ones. She tilted her head in question, but Dave just shook his head, not wanting to talk about it. He didn’t really want to burden Jade with it, and besides, he wasn’t really sure she would understand.

But as he listened to the rest of Rose’s singing and the proceeding final speech, he thought about all the things Aradia had said, and all the things she hadn’t.

By the time the funeral was over, Dave knew what he would do.

What he _had_ to do.

He was, after all, the Knight of Time. And even though they were no longer in the game and things like that didn’t matter...There was a reason they had been given what classes and aspects they had. It was a part of him, and it always had been. So, as long as he was still breathing, he would continue to be the Knight of Time, and that meant that he would be there for those who needed him. And when they no longer did need him...

Well, he’d move on then. There was always going to be someone who needed him and, more to the point for him, there was someone that _he_ needed. Two someones, in fact. And he fully intended to follow after them, just as soon as he made sure that his friends that he would be leaving behind would be okay without him.

Not that he was that worried. The seer and the witch were strong women, and they had plenty of friends to watch over them, to keep them safe. They’d be okay.

As for the others...

Well, he’d just have to make sure that they _would_ be okay without him. He smiled at that thought and stood with the rest of the church, watching as John’s father took the urn out of the room. Dave knew what the plan was from here. Papa Egbert was going to take the urn and spread the ashes out over a hillside, somewhere high where John’s ashes could be carried on the winds that he had loved so much. Dave knew that Rose and her mom intended to accompany them, and he _had_ been invited. But he would graciously excuse himself from this moment. As much as he loved the Lalondes and Egberts, this wasn’t really his place.

At least, not anymore.

“Dave?” The voice was cool and soft, but stern.

“Rosie?”

“You coming?”

“No, thank you. Tell Papa Egbert I said my condolences and my apologies. I have something I need to do.”

“Now?” It was amazing to Dave how Rose could put so much emotion into one word. Shock, aggravation, annoyance, and understanding, all rolled into one syllable. Damn!

He nodded. “Yeah. Sorry Rosie.” He came over and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. “Don’t worry. You’re strong enough for this.”

She raised one small eyebrow, but as she stared into his eyes she nodded, and Dave _really_ had to push down on the urge to squirm. After a moment, a _long_ moment, she nodded and looked away. “Alright. You’re right, I’m sure.” She took a deep breath and set her shoulders. “Thank you Dave.” She started to walk after Papa Egbert, but then turned around just outside the door.

“Dave?”

“Mmmm?”

She smiled. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

Dave grinned, and it was the first real smile since John’s death ( ~~No, longer than that. Much longer)~~. “Of course Rose. Wouldn’t dream of it.”

She just smiled at him again and turned, closing the door behind her.

He shook his head and looked up, and suddenly he started to shake. It started with his stomach, then his arms, then his chest...By the time it reached his mouth there were tears falling down and as the laugh erupted from him he wasn’t sure if it happy or sad or angry. It just _was._ He sniffed a few times and rolled his neck to look at John’s picture sideways. “Oh man, just you wait. We’re going to have such a blast soon.”

After a few deep breaths to calm himself he came over and gently touched the picture of Egbert’s great big smiling face. “Soon Egbert, soon. I’ll be there soon. Just wait for me, okay? Wait for me.”

He turned then, and as he walked out of the room he didn’t look back, but in his mind’s eye he could still see that smiling face, and he could imagine that there was a little red thread, tied right around John’s little finger. And, if he focused just hard enough, he could see the same thread tied right around his matching little finger.

Soon. Soon.

One day.

Almost as if on cue, a strong spring breeze drifted in the doorway and wrapped around Dave before passing him by. And, if Dave didn’t know any better, he could have sworn that for just a moment, he had heard that silly little Egbert laugh.

Dave smiled and walked out, feeling at peace for the first time. _Soon. Soon Dave, soon._

He’d be waiting.  

**Author's Note:**

> The song Rose sings is "How Do I Live Without You" by Leanne Rhymes, made famous in John's favorite movie, ConAir. Now you know. Also, I hope you guys all love open-ended stories.


End file.
